Realisations of a Broken Mind

A friend arrived late and there was a gig of War in my mind.  Do I pretend everything is OK this ensuring good times occur, or do I leave erin the night but send a message that I can't be made to waitfor no good reason.  I chose to leave and my mind kept telling me that I made a mistake.  However, this does accelerate our situation, this is a new friend and if they are always like this then this rupture has been brought forward in time, saving me time. 

 Often, I find that a word used by someone isnt as important as the feeling that the word invokes, and the feeling with whch the word is said.  Offensive words are the perfect example, in other languages, you may accidently say a word that seems benign by its translation, but because of the the feeling asociated with the word, it can be offensive.  Try saying a swear word in another language, the word has no power to you, but because of the intention and feeling present when it is said, the word is imbued with feeling.  Reminiscent of chinese characters, its a symbol reporesenting a word.  The offensive wor is a word representing a feeling or idea.  One of the feelings that can be added is praise or judgement.   

For most of my life, I've had a fantasy to aspire to, one that would fill all of my voids. Things have changed. I don't want the fantasy enough to do the work to get it, which leaves me stuck. For those who want the fantasy, they enjoy striving towards it, they don't avoid it like I do.  So where does that leave me? My best course of action is just to do at much as I enjoy and leave it at that. Aim for a 1/100th of the fantasy which is as much as I enjoy.  There will be joy in completing it, achieving 1/100th could be achieving the fantasy at 1/100th of the scale. Maybe the fantasy is too climb the highest mountain in the world for bragging rights, 1/100th would be the shortest thing that qualifies as a mountain in the country you live in.  That way, you have achieved something. 

Twice I called a friend who wasn't available to speak.  Then they called me and I couldn't speak,  they then messaged saying "just returning your earlier calls". I read this and instantly my mind put a negative spin on it. I interpreted it as "I'm not interested in talking to you, I'm making sure I'm not a bad person but returning your call and also I'm doing you a favour because your wanted to talk". Then I paused and thought about it. This is a good friend, who isn't that selfish.  I realised I put a negative spin on it and it might not reflect reality.   To fix this broken mind of mine, I can assume positive or neutral intentions.  Your own assumptions can dictate the way things go, people can pick up on the negative vibe I give out as a result my negative assumption. If I become defensive for being "rejected" then they will feel that and act and feel based on that.  I will have added negative vibes to a conversation unintent...